Category Archives: Friendship


I hate the feeling. It leads to anger, or worse, sadness. And knowing me, it leads to self-reflection, turned to self analyzation, into self pity. UGH. I avoid this emotion/feeling at all cost. For a month, I’ve tried my hardest to turn this emotion into something productive. Hmm. Actually, no. To be honest, I’ve busted my ass avoiding confrontation with this emotion.

The reality is, I am Jealous.

My two besties are in Europe, having fun, meeting new friends, laughing their asses off, and dancing their nights and mornings away. I love both. I miss both. But I am jealous. Every time they send a picture, or text (which, most times is when they’re pissed drunk), I am thrilled for them. I truly am. But that thrill is slowly running out, replaced with, “GAAAHHH, stop throwing your happiness in my face!”

Given that this blog is all about things I would never say, or admit, I feel like no one here is going to label me selfish. Cause, God knows, if it was me on the other side reading this blog, I would be like, “Girl, get your shit together. Be happy for your friends!”

Most times, I am! It’s just… I want to be there. With them. Seeing new sites, learning new languages, dancing new moves. Ugh. I hate that I feel this way and worse, I hate that I can’t get over it.

I explained to my dad how I felt because I was with him when their recent texts came in. He said, “You are being like this because you don’t have a life. I’m sorry to say, but it’s true.”

-_-  I guess that’s a whole another whack of emotions to deal with. Sigh.

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The Stand Up.


Recently I was asked out on a date in which I accepted. My immediate reaction when asked was to say, “No.” Instead, I texted my girlfriend, A, and asked what she could remember about him. Frankly, the only time I had ever met him was when I was plastered. So, my immediate reaction wasn’t out of instant repulsion, rather, it was because I was incredibly embarrassed and couldn’t remember him that well. What I found out from my girls was that he was incredibly funny and at one point held my hand while I threw up. I was a bit sceptical as my girls were both under the influence as well, granted less so, but still influenced. I just wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to base my decision on what maybe, could have, occurred on that night. Having thought about it though, I decided to give it a shot. We made plans to have breakfast at 9 in the morning. He was supposed to come and pick me up with the condition that he also text me as he was leaving his place.

By 8:30, I was pretty much ready. I was nervous, excited, and giddy. From his place, I figured that he should have texted me by 8:30 letting me know he left. No text. No matter, I chalked it up to forgetting. Maybe he was in a rush and just completely forgot and it would have been too late to text as he was already driving by now. 8:50 came around and A checked up on me. I told her the situation and we both agreed that he was on his way. 9:00 rolled around and I didn’t see any one pull up. Didn’t receive a text. I waited till 9:05 before I texted, “We’re still on for today, yeah?”. I waited. No response. I waited and then texted again, “What’s going on? You stuck in traffic?” In retrospect, I suppose I could have called but I figured He was the one that asked me out, He was the one that made the plans, He was the one that wanted to pick me up at 9. Around 9:15, I knew he wasn’t going to come so A called to tell me she was going to take me out to breakfast (God, I love my girls!). She ended up picking me up at around 9:40. Right when I got into the seat, his text comes in. “I’m really sorry! I just woke up! I don’t know what happened to my alarm. We still on?”

You only had one job, brah. You don’t leave a girl hanging for 40 minutes and not call to apologize. So, no, I don’t think so. -_-

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Love letter to L.


“That was the thing about best friends. Like sisters and mothers, they could piss you off and make you cry and break your heart, but in the end, when the chips were down, they were there, making you laugh even in your darkest hours.”    -Kristin Hannah

The longest relationship I’ve ever had with anyone was/is with L. We met when we were nine years old. I can’t remember exactly where, how, or what situation threw us together but I can say that we’ve been together ever since. I don’t say it or even show it very often but I love her. God, I really do. She is my soulmate, my better half, with her, I’m the best me that I can be. She’s been the gentle voice in my head when things were noisy making it difficult to decide who to listen to, and the loudest voice I hear when life was so quiet, it’s easy to lose myself.

Like any relationship, it’s been turbulent. There have been laughter, encouragement, hugs. I remember the time we went to Disneyland; we put our purses on the conveyer belt to get scanned. I completely forgot that I didn’t zip up my purse and I prayed that nothing would spill out but as I waited on the other side for my bag, when I finally saw it, to my horror, my panty liners and pad were peeking out. I remember looking at L and we burst out laughing. With lack of sleep and food going for us, anything could have made us laugh. Another pantyliner story. I remember we were at a club once and we were dancing and I dropped my pantyliner and as I was about to pick it up, she held me upright, laughed, and then told me, “What are you doing?! Just walk it off!” Her face was priceless and we then spent the next 10 minutes laughing our heads off. I miss her laugh. God, I miss her.

It seems nowadays, though, more often, there have been fights, misunderstandings, and frustrations. For a really really long time, it was me and L against the world. Just the two of us. Me and her. But as we got older and reconnected with our other two childhood friends, it hasn’t been just the two of us in a while. Even when it is just the two of us, we’ve been apart for so long that we don’t even know how to be just the two of us anymore. I feel it. She feels it. But no one says anything. And the tension grows, grows, and grows until someone says something that sets it off and we yell. We argue, we misunderstand, we justify, we defend, we take it personally, we get mad. We don’t get closure. We don’t know what the problem is. It sort of creeped up on us and now we’re in a situation where we don’t know what to do, where to begin, how to fix it. As I’m typing this, I can’t help but cry because I really really miss those days when we laughed soooo hard until our bellies hurt. Nowadays, we never laugh with each other anymore. We don’t know how. We just get annoyed and we see it on each other’s faces. Sometimes when I look at her, I see her looking at me with annoyance and I don’t know how we got here. I don’t even know how to make her laugh anymore and I use to do it so well.

How do I fix something that I hold most dear? If I could go back and change whatever I did wrong, I would in a fucking heartbeat. I just want us back. Back to where we were. Back to how it use to be. But now, I don’t know. I don’t know how and it kills me.

L, I miss you. God, I love you. And let’s work it out. We have to.

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Best Friend.


My best friend rolled out onto a plane yesterday morning. The plane will take her on her long awaited European adventure where she will immerse herself in Paris, fall in love in Rome, get fat in London, meet new friends in Amsterdam, and laugh her heart out in Budapest. I am truly, truly excited for her. I know that she will have an amazing, freaking awesome time, but as I sit here typing this, I selfishly want her back. I want my best friend to come home. I don’t want her to have fun with out me! I’m a bitch right? Part of me wants her to wait until I, too, can go on this adventure with her. So that we can experience new places, perspectives, and cultures together. So we can try new foods together, take pictures together, dance together.

I received a text from her two hours ago saying, “Gaaaahhh. I’m in Paris!” I smiled to myself. Because as much as I want her back, or wish I could go with her, I have to swallow all my selfish emotions. I miss my best friend but I also know it’s not about me. It’s never been about me. My best friend. It’s her time to shine. Her time.

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