I hate the feeling. It leads to anger, or worse, sadness. And knowing me, it leads to self-reflection, turned to self analyzation, into self pity. UGH. I avoid this emotion/feeling at all cost. For a month, I’ve tried my hardest to turn this emotion into something productive. Hmm. Actually, no. To be honest, I’ve busted my ass avoiding confrontation with this emotion.
The reality is, I am Jealous.
My two besties are in Europe, having fun, meeting new friends, laughing their asses off, and dancing their nights and mornings away. I love both. I miss both. But I am jealous. Every time they send a picture, or text (which, most times is when they’re pissed drunk), I am thrilled for them. I truly am. But that thrill is slowly running out, replaced with, “GAAAHHH, stop throwing your happiness in my face!”
Given that this blog is all about things I would never say, or admit, I feel like no one here is going to label me selfish. Cause, God knows, if it was me on the other side reading this blog, I would be like, “Girl, get your shit together. Be happy for your friends!”
Most times, I am! It’s just… I want to be there. With them. Seeing new sites, learning new languages, dancing new moves. Ugh. I hate that I feel this way and worse, I hate that I can’t get over it.
I explained to my dad how I felt because I was with him when their recent texts came in. He said, “You are being like this because you don’t have a life. I’m sorry to say, but it’s true.”
-_- I guess that’s a whole another whack of emotions to deal with. Sigh.