Tag Archives: jealousy

Jealousy.

I hate the feeling. It leads to anger, or worse, sadness. And knowing me, it leads to self-reflection, turned to self analyzation, into self pity. UGH. I avoid this emotion/feeling at all cost. For a month, I’ve tried my hardest to turn this emotion into something productive. Hmm. Actually, no. To be honest, I’ve busted my ass avoiding confrontation with this emotion.

The reality is, I am Jealous.

My two besties are in Europe, having fun, meeting new friends, laughing their asses off, and dancing their nights and mornings away. I love both. I miss both. But I am jealous. Every time they send a picture, or text (which, most times is when they’re pissed drunk), I am thrilled for them. I truly am. But that thrill is slowly running out, replaced with, “GAAAHHH, stop throwing your happiness in my face!”

Given that this blog is all about things I would never say, or admit, I feel like no one here is going to label me selfish. Cause, God knows, if it was me on the other side reading this blog, I would be like, “Girl, get your shit together. Be happy for your friends!”

Most times, I am! It’s just… I want to be there. With them. Seeing new sites, learning new languages, dancing new moves. Ugh. I hate that I feel this way and worse, I hate that I can’t get over it.

I explained to my dad how I felt because I was with him when their recent texts came in. He said, “You are being like this because you don’t have a life. I’m sorry to say, but it’s true.”

-_-  I guess that’s a whole another whack of emotions to deal with. Sigh.

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Connected to the world.

It took reading Dan’s blog post (http://blog.mrmeyer.com/?p=13826), “Asking Interesting, Natural-Seeming Questions”, for me to frustratingly admit to myself how disconnected I am from the world. In my education classes right now, we’re always discussing about how to make our questions, lesson plans, material relevant to the world. Making connections, making relations, engaging the students. And I admit that it is all very, very overwhelming. I grew up with material and questions that didn’t related to the world; I definitely didn’t see calculus is my everyday activites. I left math at the door when I existed the class. Biology was only in Room 215 with Ms. Breton. Gym was the last block of Day 2s. I don’t know any other to learn and now I’m expected to come up with all these great ideas, great lesson plans that incorporate connections with the world when I… when I don’t even know what those connections even are.

The other day, in one of my classes, we discussed having labs be exploration based and someone suggested that students be given limited number of materials and be given the freedom to experiment, discover, and essentially explore. My anxiety rose instantly. I was suddenly stressed. As a student, I would have hated, HATED to be put in that position. I would have been lost, felt overwhelmed. I needed direction, guidance, someone to tell me what to do! The realization immediately embarrassed and humbled me. While everyone around me was contributing to the discussion and giving out really inspiring ideas, I sat there pondering my own head. Maybe I wasn’t an innovative as the other teachers, maybe I’m not as smart as they are, maybe I’m not as good as the rest. Maybe I won’t ever be able to make connections. Lots of lots of maybes went through my mind.

I want to be creative, I want my students to regard the world with curiosity. I want my kids to look at my material and look at the world through them. I want them to have perspective. I want all these things but I have no, NO idea how the hell I do that. And what sucks for me is knowing that there are so many other teachers that do. They already know. Before even being in the class and teaching, they already have these great ideas, great questions, great activities and I sit there trying to pick my jaw off the ground. It makes me wonder how disconnected I’ve become. A big part of me is jealous. That much I know. I know the feeling of jealousy and I feel it, a huge load of it. But then there’s a bigger part of me that fears. Fears that I will never be that teacher that has the important teachings, materials, and lectures that are mind blowing. Not because of the great amount of information that is given, but by the quality of insight that is provided. I fear that as my students leave through the classroom door, that that is where exactly they will leave me, leave my material, my teachings. At the door. Just as I left math. At the door.

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